Tuesday 3 April 2012

Target Man Abraham Van Helsing To Answer West Ham's Prayers

The blog may go quiet for a few days. In the summer I went in search of Mido, journeying down the Nile to locate the whereabouts of the buxom Egyptian in order to remove the curse he placed upon the club when we declined to offer him a contract. And tomorrow I'm heading out to Romania to go shopping with Florin Raucioiu and to hunt down Abraham Van Helsing, hoping to establish the exact type and size of stake needed to drive through the heart of the undead Allardyce.

With good fortune, I will be able to evade the clutches of the minions of Count (a surplus 'o' there methinks) Allardyce and may even be able to relay messages via what ever form of rudimentary internet connection they have out there. We will see.


If you never hear from me again, you will know the dreadful truth about Allardyce. There are rumours of a coffin sized box of damp earth kept in the bowels of the Boleyn and it may be no coincidence that the guy followed hot on the heels of the Undertaker into the manager's office at West Ham, ordering all mirrors to be removed from the building as soon as he was through the door.


It doesn't bode well that the Wolves are howling on the eve of my flight but I will trust to God and do everything in my power to locate said Abraham Van Helsing. It may be too late to save us from another season in the Championship but we could yet save the club's soul!

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

to save the clubs soul van helsing needs to eradicate the asshole.

Stani said...

Why dont you leave me the keys HF? I'll keep things ticking while youre away. You know I'm 100% trustworthy

Hammersfan said...

I wouldn't mind Stani but, as I think I explained before, it is all administered via my wife's email account and she would not be happy with the details being shared for obvious reasons and I don't now how to create a second administrator / have time to do so.

Anyway, by the time I got back, Noble would have displaced Allardyce as Public Enemy Numner One! But thanks for the offer! Hoping my hotel / a bar will be showing the Barnsley and Brighton games!

Anonymous said...

Kevin in manchester writes...

Have a great time although i have to say strange country;strange time of year to visit... Take care of yourself.

Hammersfan said...

Business in Bucharest but holiday to Transylvania afterwards. Possibility of meeting up with a certain Gheorghe Hagi at some point actually. Might ask him if there are any good Romanian players about and feed back to the club. You never know!

Stani said...

No worries. 2 weeks then?

By the way, I think Noble's great...just not at football.

Hammersfan said...

Just a week. Wednesday to Wednesday.

Anonymous said...

Anony-mouse says,

Happy hols HF. See if the Irish boozer in central Bucharest still has 'London Calling' on the juke box, which takes old fashioned 50 pence pieces and then play it til your money runs out :)

Hammersfan said...

Thanks for the tip. I'll look out for it. When were you last in Bucharest then?

Anonymous said...

Anony-mouse says

1999? For our UEFA cup game.

Hope the cops aren't as mad as they used to be. I thought one was offering me out on the terrace but it turns out he was trying to sell me his truncheon for $3 or a beer for $1. He was as pissed as a fart. I kid you not.

B4V4R14N_H4MM3R said...

Well, HF as a matter of fact both games are broadcasted, at least online. Have a great time

Stani said...

Dale would have bitten his hand off for an offer like that Anonymouse

Anonymous said...

What are yr thoughts on qpr u thick prick?

Anonymous said...

COme on HF - let's make Stani your Chandos.. I bet you're scared he'll do a better job - I'm sure Stani could get the details of how to create an admin in a flash, no bother for him. If it works he would take some of the pressure off you.

Anonymous said...

Anony-mouse says,

Stani- I knew I should have worded that more carefully :)

Let Stani run the site HF- he can't do any worse than you! Happy hols!

Stani said...

We all know HF has trust issues guys. He's just using Mrs HF's email as an excuse, but I understand. I've told him a number of times to switch over to WordPress but he doesn't. There you can give individuals their own sign in and limit their role, for example, an editor role would only allow someone to publish and will block off the rest of the back end (behave Anonymouse) of the site. There are a few different roles.

Make sure you bring a truncheon back as a souvenir, HF.

Stani said...

...and Chandross 05:17!!! How dare you!?