West Ham will announce this weekend the solution to the running track problem. Faced with the unexpected nightmare of a legal guarantee to UK Athletics that the track will remain for 99 years and the prospect of retaining the 80,000 capacity until after the 2017 World Championships, Karren Brady has hit on the perfect solution, inspired by a Channel 4 programme and a regular contributor to West Ham chat forum, the Org.
Brady explained: "I was watching Channel 4 one evening and suddenly it hit me! The problem with retractable seating is that it would make it impossible for fans in the lower tiers of the conventional stadium to see the game as it is presently designed. So it occurred to me, if you can't change the stadium, why not change the fans?"
She continued: "I did some research and discovered that one in ten people in the UK are born with dwarfism. One in ten! We are the eighth best supported team in the country so a sizeable percentage of these dwarfs should, in theory, already support West Ham even before we target this demographic. With a focused advertising campaign, I am sure we could corner the entire market, not just in the UK but around the world."
"We already have an owner who nearly qualifies as a dwarf so he will be the figurehead, standing tall in our Restricted Height section of the stadium; and imagine the little people's awe when Big Sam joins them before a game! 'Is it a real giant?' they will ask! "
"Instead of charging for entry according to age, we will now charge by the inch. The tallest dwarf is 4'10" high or 58 inches tall so if we charge 50p per inch, the little people can get in for under £30 whilst a 6ft 7 giant will still only have to pay £39.50 to watch football at the highest level. This is a great deal for all."
"We are also negotiating with London Transport to allow the dwarfs to travel at child rates on the tube and London buses. It is a win win situation because they take up less space anyway and can, in extreme situations, sit on the laps of other passengers."
She added: "The beauty of the scheme is that the little people can sit on small plastic seats, available from ToysRus at knock down prices, without blocking the view of those sitting behind them in the lower tiers. And for half time entertainment, we can invite the England rugby team to have dwarf throwing competitions! This works on so many different levels!"
Long standing Org contributor davefking, a vociferous grouch who usually rubbishes every new innovation, said: "I think this is a fantastic idea. If the Board could negotiate half price travel on London transport on my behalf, I may not move to Spain after all. There would be real benefits for little people like me, and the 5'10 plus giants wouldn't lose out either! I support the idea 100%!"