Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Allardyce shows his true colours

In the Wife of Bath's Tale, the Knight is given a choice: does he want to be married to a beautiful woman who he can never trust, or would he rather have an ugly hag for a wife who would never sleep around because nobody would ever fancy her. Well, I know what I would prefer, but it seems there's a whole crowd of West Ham fans out there who would opt for the ugly old dog to walk up the aisle with them. In fact, why am I surprised? I've seen what passes for women in the Boleyn and the Duke of Edinburgh!

I have already blogged that last night's performance was just about the most depressing I have ever seen from West Ham. Keeping with the Chaucer analogy, what is the point of having sex if it makes you feel physically sick whilst you are doing it, and actually vomit when you think back to the experience? Watching our performance last night was like going into a prison's showers! In fact, the prison's showers might just about rate above it!

But even more depressing is the fact that Allardyce is boasting about the performance. Whilst Poyet sounds like the West Ham managers of old, Allardyce is talking like an old lag proud of his crimes. Listen to him! "Our task was to capitalise on the opposition and the way they play, and if we got the first goal to defend it properly," he said. I beg to differ. Our job was to go to Brighton and wipe the floor with a very average team who were in the old Third Division last season.

Allardyce is raving about "an outstanding victory". If Grant had gone to Brighton last season in the Cup, we would have been outraged if we had left with anything other than a victory. Doctor Evil is talking this up as if we have beaten Chelsea on their own dung heap! Brighton will finish in the bottom half of the table - mark my words! They are a poor team. But we allowed them 70% of the possession! That is a disgrace!

Tell me, what would have happened had Brighton taken one of their chances? Perhaps the Mucky-Smith shot just before half time? A better team would have engineered a chance or two and, had the equaliser come, there was only ever going to be one winner. We had handed the initiative over to the opposition so utterly that we might as well have been in the prison showers, bending over to pick up the soap with a pot of Vaseline resting on our backs and an arrow pointing down to the Rotherhithe tunnel!

Allardyce's approach is crystal clear and he set out the plan with brutal honesty after the game when he said: "It's a great three points and it determines automatic promotion, generally, how many 1-0 wins you can get. That's what takes you where you want to go."

So, forget the West Ham way, forget the Academy, forget attacking football, forget what our club stands for, forget entertainment, forget Greenwood and Lyall, forget Moore, Hurst, Peters, Brooking, Di Canio and co - forget it all! We are the new Bolton, West Ham Wanderers, Doctor Evil's ugly monster, El Hadji Diouf's club, a spitting image satire of what was once West Ham United.

There's many of you happy to shag an ugly old hag it seems, and even pay for the privilege. Me, I'd much prefer Beauty to the Beast, even if I want to strangle her from time to time!


The Miller said...

West Ham fan Absalon has been tricked by Gold and Sullivan into believing that they will receive a pleasant kiss; only for Allardyce to hang his arse out the window and fart all over him!

Lord Canning said...

When was the last time this team or several before it played the West Ham way. Yes, it's great to remember Moore Hurst Peters, Brooking Bonds Devo et al but where exactly, did those teams get us. The odd cup win, but no league consistency was there? We flirted with relegation so many times under Greenwood, Greenwood/Lyall and Lyall until finally in 1978 it happened. We won plenty of friends on the way playing the WestHam way because we were so open to counter attack all teams knew they had a chance against us. 40-odd years since a win at Liverpool, countless cold nights up North when you knew before the kick-off we were going to get bugger-all.
Take off the rose tinted specs, let's win ugly and get back to where we belong. Let's use Fat Sam in the same way he's using us - to get somewhere better. When the promised land arrives chuck 'im.

jimwhu said...

if we had lost now that would have been a bad result but we won we are second we are on course for automatic promotion i never wanted to see allardyce as manager but he is i think greenwood would be break dancing in his grave after seeing that shit last night but once again hf we won last night i would still like to see our manager back his players to beat moast teams in this division by backing his players in a 4 4 2 formation as he brought most of them to the club i would like to see westham play better football than they are doing at this moment if dr evil gets us up great if we have to suffer a season of dross then it aint the end of the world but like it or not hes our manager its our team and we have to support them and hope dr evil gets us up and fcuks off at the end of the season one thing though ron greenwood said he used a tactic in the 1964 facup semi against manu for our wide players to stop manus full backs playing the ball out of defence get in there faces i think we should judge dr evil at the end of the season

Hammersfan said...

LOL Spot on The Miller. Anybody got a red hot poker handy?

Jibbles said...

I left the pub yesterday genuinely wishing Brighton had won. Disgraceful football. Due to my location, there was only about 8 West Ham fans in the pub, 2 of which were my family, and there was a very audible groan every time the ball was lumped forward.

@pandaman_cometh said...

In a way I agree. Yes, it wasn't pretty. Yes, we were outplayed. But at the end of the day, where was the spark going to come from?

Take the 3 points and on to the next one.

USA Dave said...

HF, when did you ever see Grant outraged over anything? I know that isnt the point here, but in one season he lost pathetically and went on to claim we played "good football". Absolute rubbish!

In the recent past, the West Ham way has been a disaster. Now I may not have the same tenure with this team as many of you, having only been to my first game in 1995 at Anfield (0-0 draw, Lomas got sent off I think). But there I was yesterday, waiting to pick up my daughter from football practice at school, listening to the game on my Iphone. The kids in the schoolyard were crying with laughter watching me pace around my car listening to the game. So was the Headmaster of the school. So I am West Ham through and through now just like you, and I am DONE going into a game with ZERO expectation of a result. Then losing. Then making excuses for it, with some loony hope of a better game the following week. I was thrilled to see us in second place again, and I think we will eventually win the league.

This is better, HF. You are clearly allowed to disagree, and I know you do, but this is better for West Ham in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Have to disagree - I thought Big Sam's gameplan was spot on. The lads could have held on to the ball better, but Brighton played well yesterday - they have some tricky players who were not with them last season. Comparisons between then and now are pointless. Also, teams will raise their game when they play West Ham - a fact we should acknowledge so as to avoid complacence. Being able to defend a narrow lead consistently is a skill that I cannot remember West Ham being able to do for the last 20 years. Hats off to Sam for properly organising the defence. The West Ham way? Funny really. This clubs future largely depends on getting back in the Prem next season, and all you are concerned about is seeing 'pretty football'. I'd say Nolan's goal was pretty damn pretty to me - fantastic curling shot that completely bamboozled the keeper. Seems like you already had it in for Sam and you were waiting for a bit of dour football to get your knives out! Irony - we won, jumped back up to second and kept a CLEAN SHEET. Gosh, what shit football we are playing!

Anonymous said...

HF, We are 2nd in the league and not playing well. We have a good solid side and I defy anyone to play in the conditions they did last night and play with flair and style. None of them could stand up and the defence was always there and covered well. And yes at this juncture in our development I would take an ugly 1 -0 win over a good footballing lose. Allardyce knows how to win and when we had a 4 -0 home win last week and a 1 -0 away win this week and 2nd in the league I struggle to comprehend any other clubs fans feeling this is bad. HF you are contravetial to the last and as another post says the West Ham Way has not been seen for may years and I can say that as I am old enough to remember it.

Anonymous said...

Kevin in manchester writes ..

A good column should have you jeering or cheering .. which is what you do and do so well, however I'm jeering -

First off it's pure sophistry to equate sex and football in the manner in which you have and frankly your allusions are sexist and insulting to women .. why not have a woman with a choice of an adonis or a pot bellied nincompoop( OK you were alluding to canterbury tales, I get it but stop it!) .

Secondly Sam laid out his plan even before the season started ... play like security dogs away and more expansive at home, so the home bit hasn't worked out- the more reason why he should cling onto every point away from home. He also expressed last night how disappointed he was with the way we used the ball.. not his fault if the players can't pass and and control a ball.

Third .. listening to Poyet after the game was pure west ham.. we were beat but we played the best football.. well, that will get you what you deserve, as you say mid table or worse,

Fourthly earlier in the season you were warning that we had not played any of the big teams and I think you quoted Brighton .. well, now we have been there and tonked them. rejoice!

Fifthly we are a classic championship side - a collection of old war horses, has beens, not quite good enoughs and youngsters with potential but still scarred from three years of mis management and disaster - you say we should wipe the floor with average teams - why? we are an average team .. which is what most of your posts subconsciously or otherwise admit and what i believe is at the root cause of your rage - you can't accept it even though you know it.

Sixthly we have stuck four goals past four sides this season already - i can't remember if West ham have ever managed that before- so to characterise the team as clueless hoofers is just wrong.

Finally give the guy a break ; he's been in charge for 13 league games and in that time shipped out 19 and and imported 12 players and still managed to score more goalsa nd win more games than all bar Soton , a well drilled team that's played together for a season or more

But keep it up - it makes most of my days! Aren't I having fun!

Anonymous said...

Lord Canning & Kevin in Manchester - exactly right. The West Ham way again - when did that ever win us anything [it's almost a MYTH anyway]. The West ham way has been to play pretty and get beat, to develop some exciting talents and then flog 'em, and of course to let a goal in in the last 5 minutes of either half. I'm glad Brighton didn't win, because I support WHU,k but pretty it ain't esp with top cloggers like Faye, Diop in 'defence'. And let's be cleasr, the porno bros will not be spending large if we do get get promoted, so expect more of teh same, ie rejects, has-beens, oldies and a couple of young talents, and probably, more relegations.....

Hammersfan said...

Get off the sexist high horse Kev, I can't be doing with New Man Sexual Politics hand in fist with Old Age Allardyce Thuggery! I think you are objecting to the image and want me to return to the gorgeous naked arses!

With slight editing, I've run this as a main article reply. Let the debate continue! A schism is appearing!

el martillo said...

I'm not sure that this Absalon has the nouse to realise he's being taken for a sucker. As long as he can stay near the top of the ladder I reckon he'll happily go back for more doses of Fat Sam's flatulence!

T.I.S said...

Don't beat yourself up about it buddy, it's a win that wont be remembered and 3 points which can never be deducted. Hopefully. COYI

Anonymous said...

This article is pathetic. I cant believe so many people are moaning about a victory. We beat Brighton. There was a maximium of 3 points to be won, no manager could get anymore than that. It is a success. To me Poyet sounded desperate, his team didnt do enough to win, and by the way Poyets great passing side gave away possesion easily towards the end too!